Captain America Civil war Trailer Descriptions

This all a rumor but:

It's narrated by Secretary Ross.

"The world is changing. For centuries, we believed ourselves to be in power. But now, we know that there are far greater powers out there. Powers that can either be a force for good or tools of destruction. It rests on our shoulders to decide which, but that can only happen through change. Through us reclaiming control of our fates. Fighting for our future. There are only two options: To enforce order or surrender to chaos."

Intercut with this, we see quick shots of Tony Stark alone in his office, staring at the Iron Man helmet in his desk; Black Widow holding a gun; Hawkeye drawing an arrow from his quiver; The Vision is a snow-covered mountainside; Scarlet Witch screaming and shattering everything around her; Ant-Man shrinking; Falcon soaring above the air; War Machine marching down a corridor; Agent 13 looking distressed; Winter Soldier stepping out of the shadows; However Martin Freeman is playing walking down a hallway surrounded by agents; Black Panther turning around and unveiling his claws; and someone picking up the shield. We then see that Ross is talking to Captain America. He says "The real question is: What side are you on", and Cap looks pissed.

We see some more shots of military types shooting guns, people protesting on the streets, people running scared, and then a massive crater.

Back to Stark, who says "This isn't an offer. It's an ultimatum. You're going to have to accept it." Cap inquires "And if I don't?" Cut to black and someone says "War".

We then see Cap's team, Scarlet Witch included, in an aiport, followed by one by one shots of Iron Man's team. Cap says "Let's end this." We then see an alternative shot of Cap's team running into action. Iron Man flies into the air and fires a repulsor blast. Cap throws his shield. Smash to black and the title.

We then see Cap and Stark talking. Stark says "If we don't obey the law, we're no better than the guys we fight", intercut with Iron Man, War Machine, Black Widow and the Vision standing in front of a cheering crowd. Cap answers "Despite what happened, the safest hands are still ours", intercut with Captain America, Falcon, Hawkeye and Ant-Man. Stark says "Maybe you're a little nervous about not calling the shots for once in your life", to which Cap answes "Or maybe I just don't trust who would be calling the shots", Stark smiles and says "You know... Sometimes I just want to punch you in your perfect little teeth".

We see some more shots of military types shooting guns, people protesting on the streets, people running scared, and then a massive crater.

Back to Stark, who says "This isn't an offer. It's an ultimatum. You're going to have to accept it." Cap inquires "And if I don't?" Cut to black and someone says "War".

We then see Cap's team, Scarlet Witch included, in an aiport, followed by one by one shots of Iron Man's team. Cap says "Let's end this." We then see an alternative shot of Cap's team running into action. Iron Man flies into the air and fires a repulsor blast. Cap throws his shield. Smash to black and the title.

thats it man. Go home or and go crazy or something. Anyway Cap has Ant-Man, and there's rumors he'll be able to do Giant Man stuff now too. It won't be that one sided. They're all going to team up to find the real bad guy at the end anyway. Its Funny when you think that a war between heroes marks the darkest part of a series in Marvel, in DC its only the begining so imagine when DC reaches its peak what kind of travesties will we be seeing? maybe Death of Superman?

it g ma

Why Kenyan Films and games are Doomed.

A few years back Kenya had one of its biggest "moments" in terms of film when the movie Nairobi Half-life premiered, if you havent watched this movie and are reading this you are scum and deserve to die... im kidding. You're okay...but serriously watch it good film.

Anyway, as always, disclaimer this is an opinion  not a fact so if it offends you...umm...sorry? I think? Lets just start this:

1. Piration

Now piration is a very delicate subject when we come to our self-proclaimed "second world country" that is something something in IT and something something [insert more pretenious nonsesnse sbout being technoligically advanced] because whether we like it or not its a very legal thing. Legal? yes. well for those who dont know what im talking about there the video/movie stores that operate off selling pirated movies that are given licenses to operate by the [insert EVEN MORE pretenious nonsesnse sbout being technoligically advanced] government

. 

Most people argue that the fault is in the studios for not having proper distribution services and till then we can slowly kill this big studios. There not wrong...just assholes so idk maybe ISPs like Zuku can get a deal with like netflix so we get movies...however thats not the point.

The point is: imagine youre an indie Movie/game producer and you have your product ready. For it to get purchased you need it distributed. All the "movie joints" illegally download all the movies they sell so they can never spend money buyibg your product to stock there shelves. If you get someone good enough to buy it it will be at a loss and he will want his profit so imagine the retail price...lets be nice and pretend it will be like Kshs. 400. now imagine that you are the consumer your there at the movie joint and you have two options pick up 8 or 10 movies like idk Avenger:age of ultron, mad max: fury road, Furious 7, Jurassic World, Ant-man, Straight Outta Compton, Black Mass, Ted 2, and Emipre season 1 and 2 or leave all those and watch PAPA shirandula the movie: the rise of mama Naliaka     

im sure most of you wouldnt buy it. but i know what youre thinking "well if they made a better genre i would probabbly consider buying this kenyan movies" well at this point we meet a little problem called THE TARGET AUDIENCE AND THE DRAMA DILEMA

2. THE TARGET AUDIENCE AND THE DRAMA DILEMA

As any logical person knows the only logical way to do buisness is to target the largest class and unfortunately or fortunately kenyas largest class is the lower middle class. this means on top of the mass majority not being able to afford the extra luxury they(and i hope i dont offend anyone with this following words) preffer simple movies i.e drama and comedy at most action.

i know some of you that arent from that clas are now about to become keyboard ninjas and type how you understood inception and so youcould understand any film but this isnt about you you attention seeking ...donkey...look at the line up of most televisin stations ill just list as many as possible and tell me the genres...actualy im too lazy to look them up.

so i know what youre thinking,"from this three genres cant we do anything cool to become worldwide or atleast impress the whole country?" and i say NOOO!
actually i say maybe its just that saying no makes me sound cool. but yeah maybe some of us might have different lives and drama is not the same to me or you same tocomedy. However, action can work in any setting if built up correctly. Scifi creates a whole new world so that we are on level ground. the problem is once you make a Fast and the furious in kenya or a scifimovie people will always bash you with some xenophobic backlash because "ingikua mkenya angefanya hivi na hivi" and this trend in seen when a movie or show *cough* *cough* sense 8 *cough* *cough* has a kenyan character and people say that is not a kenyan.and that raises the question "what does it mean to be kenyan?"

random vidfeo because it has some of the best arguments about kenyas potrayal

3. Is there a kenyan culture?

before i start this point i need to explain what culture appropriation so that any instances of it arent counted part of ours. Cultural appropriation is when one community adopts the culture of another. some people see this as a good thing others see it as a negative thing. everyone is entitilted to there views but one of them is a douchebag, probably the latter. It is at this moment when we flashback to all the times when kenya gets a negative mention on CNN or someone does a piece on struggling nairobi and everyone boards a matatu to there nearest KFC, Subway, national park they normally bearly visit or take pictures of there friends home in runda(rip in peace spelling not going to look up if i spelt it right) 

But ask them this #najivunia_kuwa_mkenya peeps what it means to be a kenyan and they will probabbly start listing tribal stereotypes. Not that i wouldnt mind hearing my hero talk with a kikuyu or luo accent but its not only misspronounciations and language, the kenyan culture goes much much deeper than how we pronounce words. 

so lets pretend we have figured out what it means to be kenyan and we make a kenyan avengers facing off Magnegro, would you watch it? NOOO!

4. Its kenyan so it has to be bad

 ayee chill i dont mean i think if its kenyan its bad but thats what many peoples mentality is. Dont be that guy who shouts that they are patriotic and you own nothin made in kenya minus the bed you most deifnetly bough at that carpenter wa hapo kwa corner.

and yeah thats all i had see you next time






just kidding you know we always post in sevens so now ill just do the most unkenyan thing and try giving solutions to the problems starting with this one.

APPRECIATE KENYAN THINGS

5. We need to find a culture

I know this is easier said than done but its time we found out when someone tries to chuck out the whole of east leigh(or is it isili?) saying they arent kenyans we know exactly what being kenyan is.

6. Dont give up

so this point is a motivational speech to all creators. JUST DO IT. DONT LET YOURE DREAMS BE DREAMS. an all that other stuff that guy who isnt a celebrity says. the thing is if you are to try  new stuff maybe you will be the one to introduce a new genre to our people. LOL but to be on the safe side if you do try an expeermintal genre dont do it in kenya market it to the world.

7. close down or deal with movie/game shops(that sell pirated material)

does this one need an explanation?
 i know its impossible but its worth a try putting it up here

annyway now im done so sound of below if you agree disagree or just want to shout.

it g ma

7 reasons Batman Can never beat superman

Yes ladies and gentlemen[yaay to equality] it has finally reached that unfortunate day the "because he's the goddamn Batman" bubble is bursted and who better to do it than a Batman fan boy? So as a great man once said you should all call Kenny Loggins because we are about to enter the...

But for argument sake i will also analyse some of the supposed times batman supposedly beat superman

2. Superman holds back...Alot

I get hurt whenever people think that whichever suit batman is wearing will probably protect him from the kryptonian but we all know that's not true. If the suit does anything it is probably protecting Batman from breaking all his bones whenever he hits superman because we all know his true kryptonian strength and it sure as hell can't be stopped by a flimsy piece of steel. Case and point the famous suit from Dark knight returns/Batman v superman was ripped into pieces the moment Clark lost his temper

3. Kryptonite isn't effective against superman

    So i'm imagining butt hurt sons of wayne are already shouting how Batman knows and owns supermans only weakness, kryptonite, but do you know who also knows and owns it? Almost half of supermans enemies not being limited to Lex Luthor( who owns a super suit similar to Bruce Wayne's powered by kryptonite), Metallo(who fights with a piece of Kryponite in his chest) and kryponite man who well you get the point

4. Way better toys

One word ladies and gents fortress of solitude. nuff said!

5. Superman is smarter

So I cant find the exact reference, forgive me senpai, but superman once said to the league "I am the invulnerable one any hit that i don't take you or somebody else will have to..." doesn't exactly prove my point but superman is a master strategist. and with the council of his father a man who was smart enough to perfectly predict the destruction of a planet whose technology is light years beyond earths and Bruce Wayne, build a ship o safely transport his son along with his own consciousness to earth and much more. furthermore superman has built a few great things in his fortress and his mind can think at the same speed as the flash which means he could process at least 1000000 different ideas at a second

Edit: i'm too lazy to find an actual speed of the flashs thought process so lets just agree that this is an acceptable estimate

6. The Sun

Remember when i promised that I will analyse some of superman's losses to batman then here's the first one. Superman has never utilized his greatest asset in any batman fight ,The yellow sun, in Dark knight Returns and what we saw from the B v S trailer Batman chooses the fight arena to be a place where the sun is completely blocked out so that superman is never at his full power but let us not forget he can always fly up into the air get a few seconds of charging and become so powerful that not even Kryptonite can affect him.

i apologize i know the man of steel costume is the worst

 7. Superman doesn't give up

We all know while Batman's battle strategy has always been take a few bumbs while learning your opponent run away and create some new toy to defeat your eneemy and return superman will always stand strong and never give up. This can be seen in the Dark knight fight when superman after taking all that Batman can dish out(most probably hearing the noisettes performing in his head the whole time)

and when he finally decides to put all his morallitty aside and sart a proper fight Batman knows he is fucked and fakes his own death to avoid the beatdown of the century. And how would superman beat Batman you ask... 

1.All of supermans powers

Yes the number one reason Superman will always beat bruce to a bloody mess all the powers tht are overlooked but rather than listing them down ill just listt some of the few ways superman can win this fight no sweat and if you can also ist a few of them in the comments below:

1. Superman can fly into space and use his super vision+ laser vision to fry batman
2. He could fly to gotham pick up all of batmans allies and start using them as batarangs
3. He could literally blow Batman away.
4. He can carry batman into the sun while he recharges
5. He could move at the speed of a moving bullet and go around the worl and stand behind batman then kick him in the nuts
6. He could just kick him in the nuts
7. He could tell the world Batman is Bruce Wayne

Remember when i said nuff said about the phantom zone? well i lied

8.Phantom zone

9.The gun that increase the effect of gravity on an object as much s you want

10. The Black mercy(a plant that makes you see hallucinations of the world as you want it in Batman case it showed him his parents never died)

11. Supergirl or anyone else from Kandor

12.Fun Fact: Batman is allergic to being beaten to death

it g ma

Flash (TV series) Trivia and other things

With D.C churning more and more great shows like Flash, Arrow, Gotham and Constantine it’s kind of hard not to get caught up in their new and innovative world. Although we can’t exactly praise them for not staying true to the source material even the staunchest of critics can’t deny that the re-writes aren’t that bad. The writers, thankfully, love us comic enthusiast to leave in bits and pieces of easter eggs and reference to the original source material that gets us squeamish. So for those of you who missed them here a few bits of trivia I picked up while watching the flash series.

1. Speed force

If you are a true fan of the flash I bet the number one thing that annoys you the most is possibly when you hear some uncultured twat say that the Flash’s power is super speed. Personally I don’t blame you and watching the first few episodes I had thought that maybe they were going to remove the flashes greatest feature until late into the series that Dr. Wells/reverse flash mentions it and instantly every flash fan got a nerdgasm. Why? Well, basically there is this thing called energy (kinetic, potential…E=MC²  you know what I mean). The flashes power allows him to tap into the energy produced by the forward motion of time and space allowing him to vibrate each molecule to the sub-atomic level(although there isn’t a clear definition of what the speed force is in the new 52 some argue its origin is likely the same as most superhuman abilities found in dc universe, a byproduct of the mysterious Omni-energy known as The source)

2. Cisco Ramon

Or as more seasoned DC fans know him as Codename: Vibe. In the D.C universe Cisco Ramon acquires the powers to emit sonic blasts( the power that Hartley Rathaway “creates” in the flash series). What makes this even way exiting is while The flash is part of the self-sponsored (pronounced Bruce Wayne sponsored) justice league, Vibe is part of the government owned Justice league of America and is recruited by Amanda Waller to specifically be on the team as a counter for the flash. He is one of the few characters whose character is almost a mirror image of his comic character even showing his immense love for his brother, the same thing that makes him to turn into a hero.

3. Caitlyn Snow

 Longtime fans of the fury of Firestorm: the nuclear man have been on the edge of their seats since episode one when they heard this name reason being this is the civilian identity of the character Killer Frost. After an attempt on her life to stop her newest discovery, “an experimental technology that might have derailed sizable investments in the energy industry” she turns to killer frost able to wield organic ice she has to feed of the “life force” or body warmth in simple to keep alive. And who do you think has the “hottest” body? Firestorm! Of course. Cue love interest and the greatest Easter egg.

4. Ferris air field

The friendship between Barry Allen and Hal Jordan (green lantern) is legendary in the new 52 and not giving him a shout-out would be a sin. Too bad they can’t bring in the Green lantern but instead they give him a subtle nod by making Barry to train at the Ferris airfield, the work place of Hal Jordan.

5. S.T.A.R Labs

Or as I like calling it Blackhole labs: because it is an unescapable disaster in the DCU. Star labs has been owned by almost everybody from The government: that supported project like Cadmus(cloning of super heroes) Project Batman Beyond(a successful project that lead to the birth of terry McGinnis) A-mazo and B-mazo and eventually Cyborg(Vic Stone).Star labs is also the home of the red room the world’s largest collection of weapons All the greatest scientist in the D.C universe have ever worked here including T.O.Morrow, Professor Ivo, Will Magnus and Silas stone

6. Batman

You should all know this was the original inspiration for this list, I just wanted to see a batman easter egg and if they didn’t have one I would have fabricated one. Because he’s batman.

Note:the geek trinity does not fabricate points this is just the writer being over dramatic

The first mention of batman is in the newspaper owned by Dr.wells where there is mention of a merger between queen consolidated and wayne enterprises in the year 2024 a subtle nod to them being friends. The second one is easy to miss but it shows how much the writers are sticking to the source material. Dr wells speaks about Batman and says how he is carrying out a dark reckoning on his city “a brutal violent vision of justice”. First a small break so that all the batman fans can clean the nerd jizz of themselves. All done? Good. In the D.C universe Batman is not loved with minimal sightings and propaganda he is more feared than anything else and flash is supposed to be the polar opposite. He is a vision of hope “The people’s hero” if you may and if they continue on this path of making the flash exactly what he is(not a batman knock-off like arrow) 

    7.  Fox river/ The rogues

 So this is me assuming everybody loved Prison break and if you didn't either (a) you're a lier or .... no there is no other reason. Moving on three of the original cast of prison break Wentworth Miller, Dominic Purcell and Robert Knepper. and although only two of them are onfiremd members of the rogues it wouldnt be too bad to see the old gang back together

It g ma.

 

7 Hardest Hitters in the Kenyan Geek industries

As a person who is very hard to please I’m not easily impressed by most industries even the gaming and comic industry

The Curious Shoe:Then if you don’t like them why do you have a whole blog dedicated to them o_0?

Because I still love the medium. However, once in a while there a few companies/individuals who even I can’t deny have done a good job. So today we take a moment to appreciate these few individuals who are not complete Muppets and are hard at work making the greatest country in the world (lol) a powerhouse in the gaming industry.(For links click the logos)

1. Chief Nyamweya- Illustrator, author & Producer.

Co-founder of the Tsunami Studios Ltd and head Honcho at Emergency web comics the chief has gained fame for his success in the critically acclaimed comics that tell the story of the Mau-Mau Uprising. A self-made man whose only passion is Creating “Not just art but creations of all sorts…”.He is also creator of the noir comic “Roba”. The prolific writer also likes sharing his art on his Facebook so if you want a benchmark of his skill why not check it out. Or you could as well read the newest installment to the emergency series.

2. ScrinArts Studios- game development studio

Founded by one Kennedy Okiya this group has been promising us big things for years, teasing us with their two top projects LUR and Zombie Apocalypse.  Although the small team has been facing an array of challenges in terms of development of their game that has led to them not to be able to finish any of their games in their desired timeline, they have officially released a statement saying that their making drastic changes in their development team. Don’t however misinterpret this as a failure on their part because the quality of games they are aiming at and showcased at conventions are something worth waiting years for. Don’t believe me why not check out their booth this Naiccon and tell me otherwise.

3. Movie Jabber – Movies (duh!), fun and excitement

One of the most famous if not the most famous group known they deliver everything they promise: movies and jabber about movies (mixed in with a dash of fun and a side of excitement). Starting off with a mission to revamp and nurture the Kenyan film entertainment scene they have become a brand with their YouTube channel raking in new subscribers every day and their website growing even more with ever increasing content. I have no shame saying since I tend to stick to games and comics this is my one stop source for everything movies so why not give them a look.

4. Gaming for Kenya (G4k) – Entertainment service

First I have to say this was a really tough decision to make with groups like Game Over, KGN and more I felt kind of bad not giving you guys a shout out so…Shout out to you guys. Popularly known as G4k this Mish-Mash of geeks, nerds, gamers, Youtubers, bloggers, enthusiasts and straight-out weirdoes is single handedly leading this new cultural wave with each member bring in something new to the table every minute. With a vision to build and re-invent the gaming industry in kenya they are currently one of the friendliest gaming communities providing help through any medium possible. They also own the gaming news and lifestyle blog Sourc3Machin3 which is updated periodically by Editors and game lovers James Karanu, Oliver Holding and Gathemia Michael.

5. The Naiccon Team –Everything they’ve done

I always feel like a sellout when I see something done by this team reason being they are the few people who are doing all this for the people. They are people that took the first step into making this the best event in world getting partnership with companies to attend the event and much more in fact what are you doing reading this show them respect and go get ready for the next one.

6. PBE Productions ltd- artist and artist

If you know this great man you probably either know him for his great head-bobbin’, toe-tappin’ thought provocative music or you know of his great art in his comic Home guard or his collaborator work with Dj Nruff. Mr. Emmanuel “Point Blank Evumbi” Nyakwada considers himself a patron of the arts in every sense of the word. Having had a hand in many projects including the infamous Tinga Tinga tales we know this dog is not all bark.Apart from all his contribution to the comic industry he is also a very prolific MC, so if you miss him at this year’s Naiccon feel free to check out one of the many jamborees he’s at every weekend.

7. All Kenyan gamers- Not being complete Muppets

    To say the truth I had this at the end of the list in case I got too lazy to find a suitable number seven but then the more I thought about it the more I realized this was the perfect number seven. Why? Because all the top six mean nothing without the gamers (not even me) but luckily we can always depend on the Kenyan gamer never to let us down. They will clamor into gaming joints every day, visit ihub to make downloads, network with people  and do everything in their power including spending their last hard coin on games. Also no matter what we do at the end of the day everyone is an end user thus a member of this group so thank you for making the industry what it is.

Also I’m planning to start interviews with some of these individuals so as to get more information and clarifications about them and their works so keep an eye out for them starting very soon and comment who you want me to start with.

It g ma. It g ma, Uri ga Ichiba

7 EXTREMELY Easy costumes ideas

With the most anticipated event in the East and central African -and probably also north and western Africa- gaming scene coming up in less than a week one word is on the lips of every gamer in town. Costumes! Yes the time has come ladies and gentlemen for the geeks and nerds to have an excuse to don the attires of their favorite fictional characters as they convene to heaven on earth for one day. With the grapevine buzzing this year with big things coming from local companies like ScrinArts studios, PBE Productions, Kenya Noir Studios Ltd and more you will be a fool to miss out in this year’s edition. If however you “never knew when it was”(translation: you’re  just a lazy bum) or you didn’t have the time  then you probably have no costume then worry not for here are 7 easy and cool costumes you could put together with little or no effort.

Disclaimer: this list should not be taken too seriously if you want very legit costume try Birdie Costumes 

Professor Chaos- South Park stick of truth

Napoleon more commonly known as Butters is one of the greatest characters in south Park history. Originally brought on to replace Kenny he made such a name for himself that he gave himself another name, Professor Chaos. The get up is probably one of the easiest with drapes being used as his cloak and foil for helmets and gloves. If you want to recreate this costume authentically you might use foil but if you’re one of those people that care about opinions why not experiment with more sturdy materials.

Carl Johnson – Grand theft Auto San Andreas

One of the most iconic characters with one of the simplest laid back attire; white vest and blue jeans. And since San Andreas allowed you to change your body type there is no “right body type”.  You don’t have to stick to San andreas since all the other GTA protagonist have signature attires that I’m sure you can get at any shop.

Wizards- Various

Whether its inspired by Dumbledore Gandalf or any other of the generic RPG brands wizards are kind of easy to dress up as (Note this is a lazy man’s instructions so if you expect me to tell you how to dress exactly lie Dumbledore you’re in the wrong place Buddy) all you need is a staff and a robe you can also add a beard if you wish. Personally I trust my skills enough to sew a piece of material to look like a robe but if you can’t tailors and materials are cheap and readily available.

Two face Harvey- Batman

The only costume in the list that might need you to put on make-up if you want to get that 100% authentic feel however if you don’t just get a suit and make the left half to look tattered (extra points if you actually burn it). If destroying a perfectly good suit isn’t something in you agenda you can always put on a bow-tie and carry an umbrella and Rambo-bambo-boom your Oswald Cobble pot.

The First Spiderman costume- Spider-man (movies)

We all dream of dressing up one day as the Spiderman but unfortunately not all of us have the resources or right looks to rock a blue and red spandex costume. Fortunately Spiderman is always making an earlier version of his suit for us fashion conscious geeks. The choice of which one to use is up to you but the easier one would be the Andrew griffin one: casual clothes and a mask made from a cheap red material and old Sunglasses. 

Storm- X-MEN

Let me just say personally I will feel particularly bad if there will be no Storm costume for every Naiccon or Kenyan costume based event I mean in the marvel universe she is the Queen of Kenya. Queen. We should appreciate her more or we might get Askari the spear instead. In fact if I didn’t have a personal Vendetta against weaves I would have gotten a white one added bit of materials to a black top and leggings and voila, Storm.  

An extra- [any movie/game/comic of your choice]

This ladies and gentlemen has to be the most lackluster costume idea I have ever gotten in history. It’s so lazy I feel it should definitely be considered a life hack. Just put on random clothes and tell everybody you are that guy in the background in that movie. Or you could borrow your friend’s clothes and go as him or her.

I feel like at this point I should apologies to all my female readers that there isn’t enough costumes for you guys but next time this list will definitely feature more for you.  Anyway those are my easy costumes if you have any more why not share them in the comments

It g ma.

fan service #1: Disney creepy pastas

Fan service is basically something creators put in their work that is unrelated to the work but they put them in to “make the fans happier”.9 times out of 10 fan service is mostly the oversized boobs in manga but unfortunately this blogger neither has boobs nor the skill to draw all men’s dreams so instead whenever I get the chance to write on a topic requested by you I will.

The most read article on my blog is one about Cartoons and the theories behind them So it isn’t shocking when once or twice I receive negative backlash from it but fortunately it also brings in some positive feedback such was the case when long time reader Ill-pool asked for more childhood ruining stories but this time he added the catch that they should be based on facts not fan theories.

Challenge accepted!

So ladies and gentlemen I feel bad for ruining your childhoods again but here are 7 fairytales before Disney changed them

1. Cinderella

Disney channel is known for great cartoons, making Marvel do whatever they want and the occasional child star that loses their mind.one of the great things they do and don’t get enough credit for is making their stories “child-friendly” as was the case was with Cinderella. One of the older versions of Cinderella when the prince comes looking for the her the step mother convinces her older daughter to cut off her big toe so as to fit into the slipper since once she is queen there would be no reason to go anywhere on foot.

Unfortunately while going back to the castle the bleeding was noticed and the older step sister was returned home where her younger sister was given a chance. She too couldn’t fit into the slipper and also cut off her big toe but once again on the way to the castle the bleeding was noticed and she too was returned home.

Finally Cinderella and the prince are united, yaay!

 2. Sleeping Beauty

We’ve all seen those pictures of people pretending to be photographed by their “SO” only to be exposed by a reflection or shadow this embarrassingly reveals the influence this story has had on most of us. Unfortunately some of the earlier writers of the story were more pessimistic.

When he can’t wake sleeping beauty the king, note originally not a prince, decides to take advantage of the situation and rapes her. This also fails to wake her and she gets pregnant. Although in some stories she is woken up by the pain of child birth while in others it’s her child blindly sucking on her finger but both have the light side that at least she had twins.

3. The little Mermaid

In some of original version of this story the little mermaid traded her voice for legs something described as “walking on two swords…” in order to go and marry the prince.Unfortunately, the prince falls in love and marries another girl whom she mistakes for the mermaid. The mermaids sisters all cut off their hair and trade it for a way to get her changed back and their given a dagger that she must use to kill the prince.

But still in love with the prince she is unable to do so and she eventually turns to sea foam.

4. Snow white and the seven Dwarves

“Oh magic mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?” I may not be a magic mirror but the answer is most definitely YOU! Let’s hope then you won’t have the same fate as snow white though because once the evil queen found out she tried to kill her 3 times. After she finds out that she is leaving with dwarves in the forest she tries to make her kill herself. At first she laces her bonnet too tight. The second attempt was combing her hair with a poisoned comb (fairytale logic at its best) and finally the apple. No true loves kiss here kiddies but when the prince finds the dwarves and snow white he wants to take her away because “he has fallen in love with her dead body inside the glass coffin”  *cough*weirdo*cough*

When the coffin is being carried away it falls and the piece of apple in her throat gets dislodged and she and the prince fall in love…when what the queen has done is found out she is forced to wear hot metal shoes and dance until she dies.

5. Little Red Riding Hood

Personally I have always thought that Red is the most retarded character in history if a wolf(that she met only moments before) in her grand mas clothes was able to fool her but then I made the mistake of reading the oldest version of her story. Early spoiler: this story does not contain the huntsman and with that being said the faint of heart may want to skip this one.

When the wolf arrives at grandma’s house he kills her and skins hers wearing her skin as a disguise. Am betting now all those retarded questions she asks make more sense, aye? In certain versions the wolf even tricks red into eating a pot of her own dead grandmother. Luckily somewhere down the road some writer decided to take away the wolves ability to chew and added in the hunts man so the story became: the wolf ate them both up and…you know the rest

Moral of the story: if grandma suddenly has big eyes and a big nose put her down.

6. Hansel and Gretel

This story on its own is already creepy pasta and I was kind of surprised it could get darker. Originally based on a French story called the lost children the parents of the two children decide to “misplace” them in the dark forest because they were greedy. They find a red house and a woman who takes them in but tells them that they should not make any noise otherwise her husband will eat them.

The kids do make noise and the husband, who by the way it turns out to be the DEVIL! , finds them and he wants to eat them. He builds a saw-horse to bleed the children on but they pretend not to know how to get on it. When the wife gets on to demonstrate they slit her throat took the devils money and ran. They eventually cross a river which the devil is unable to do. They then go home with the money to take care of their parents.

Moral of the story: Don’t beat your kids…just leave them in a dark forest

7. The three little pigs.

Personally this has been one of the most difficult articles I’ve ever written since it’s a challenge to mask my love for this original tales for fear you might think I’m malevolent. Except for this one tale whose potential was stripped from it when it was reimagined to make it more “kid friendly”.

After the big bad bully wolf huffs and puffs down the house made of hay and sticks the three pigs are hidden inside the third house. He tries and tries but he is unable to blow it down he then decides to Santa clause it and uses a chimney to get inside. The pigs were however expecting him and have placed a boiling pot on the fireplace. The wolf is trapped in the pot and cooked alive the pigs then celebrate by eating him. Yeah didn’t even make that one up.

Moral of the story: don’t bully kids

Also sorry for the inconsistent posting soon this blog will go back to at least 2 posts per week so watch this space.